Self Care

Over the past 10 years, we have seen an increasing amount of content on all media sources promoting self care. It was a refreshing experience to have the permission to implement activities, hobbies and routines in which built us up and only had to do with ourselves without subscribing to the “selfish” labels.

Whether or not it is promoted,  self care will always be important for a variety of reasons however, human nature has proven that we can find a way to overindulge and twist anything positive into a negative with the right spin on things -  So don’t worry about the noise and try to focus on the benefits of what the “Self Care Revolution” has provided.

Understanding Self - Who the hell am I ?

The most overlooked steps of the process is answering just this question. In order to determine what I need, I have to get clear on who I am. In my practice, I usually do some form of values clarification exercise in order to get to the bottom of things - Am I who I think I am? Many men I work with may value a particular concept, but cannot Identify any daily actions in which shows that they do. Or even better, can only identify actions in which contradict said value.

Example: I value punctuality, but usually have an excuse as to why i’m late to my work meetings or son’s practice.

Your core values create the code in which you live your life by, and only you can determine what they are as an individual. This gives you a clear route to understanding self.

Ask yourself:

What are the top 10 concepts, traits or characteristics I value most?

How would anybody know that I value these things? (How am I showing it)

What do I need to adjust about my behaviors in order to be aligned with my values?

And finally - How can I best care for myself in order to sustain the work that it takes to be the human that I want to be?

Insert: self care.

One of my first therapists always told me to “take care of yourself like someone you are responsible for.” To me this made the most sense. Highlighting the idea that I would go to any length to make sure my little ones have what they need physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually, yet I would often come up short with myself through impulsive or destructive behavior. We are responsible for ourselves first before anybody that we love and care for. What that responsibility looks like in action, is different for everybody.

Finding the balance between how we spend our energy and contribute to our lives, and how to regulate ourselves and replenish our resources is where our process lies.

The more responsibilities we acquire, the more we will realize that food and a good night sleep will not restore us to the point where we can maximize our productivity and satisfaction in life. Some of us need a better program to replenish our resources. Some find that simply taking a few hours a week to engage in a hobby, spend time with friends or engage in a healthy activity is all they need to keep going, others realize that they have a backpack full of trauma that needs to be processed to keep symptoms and unwanted behaviors at bay, and many thrive on a daily process that involves activities like journaling, prayer exercise and reflection. All of these practices named fall under the umbrella of self care, and more.

Self care is not so much about the activity, but the intention. The intention of knowing that we will not know how to take care of ourselves if we do not take an active role in the people we are becoming. The intention of honoring self, because even though some in our life may, it is our responsibility and ours only, and the intention of implementing the same grace, humility and kindness with ourselves as we do our loved ones, because we are human too.

Self care is neither selfish or selfless. It is an honest act of kindness towards ones self that will in turn give us the resources we need to prioritize all that we love and care about. In order to increase our contributions to our families, friends, and careers, we have to invest in ourselves first.

“There’s only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that’s your own self.” – Aldous Huxley

Solution to low motivation

Low motivation seems to be one of the biggest symptoms I receive calls about in my practice. There are thousands, if not millions of men out there suffering from this epidemic of an overall inability to get going in life.

Some know what their goals are, and just can’t seem to find the drive to get into action, and some have no idea what it is they want to do at all. Which is worse? Neither. The moment we stop moving is the moment we are all on the same path to where we don’t want to go. A realm of self doubt, shame, laziness and the land of “shoulds”. I used to frequent this realm, and am still not exempt from the jaws of complacency, laziness or whatever you would call it.

The truth is - there is a simple fix to low motivation, it’s half physical and half mental - and like all things that are worth attaining and keeping, it requires consistency.

Developing a clear understanding of what motivation is, and how to attain it is important. Theres a difference between feeling that inherent drive to search the fridge for food because we are experiencing physiological symptoms which motivate us to eat and satiate our hunger, and the drive to scrape ourselves out bed, implement a self care routines and going after that goal we have in mind that neither our body or our people around us is forcing us to do. Most people are motivated enough to make it through to the next day, and struggle with the latter.

I’m beginning to realize that many are viewing this equation backwards. Motivation, like gratitude, is not this incredible entity that comes and finds us every morning. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. A commitment to our values and lifestyle that we find joy in will actually elicit motivation within ones self and add some fuel to the tank that is pushing us forward. A couple of key factors.

Discipline - In order to live a life we want to live, we are going to have to do some things we don’t want to do. This means emotional regulation, impulse control, and applying a “no matter what” mentality to completing the tasks we might not want to do, but know we need. Getting clear about your goals, and slicing them as thin as possible will provide you with a list of achievements you can bank on at the end of the day. Increasing self worth and confidence in what you believe you are capable of tomorrow.

Action - The most difficult part of the adventure we find ourselves searching for is typically not the unexpected twists or turns or even the finale to slay the dragon or reach that goal. It’s always the first step. To us, that step means much more than just a step forward. Its a commitment that leaves a margin of error to let ourselves and the people around us down. Its an opportunity for success, but also an window to failure and humiliation. This is where the biggest trap is. I will spare you the cliches about failure and success and ask you this - what are you willing to risk for a life beyond your wildest dreams? In my experience, If you chose not to pursue this dream to avoid failure and humiliation, it would just find you later in life and devour what little you have left to give.

Get clear on WHAT you want.

Truly understand WHY you want it.

Create a plan on HOW to get it.

Embrace sacrifice, chase adversity, and get into ACTION.

And when life throws that curveball, you swing.

“Mediocrity is easy, excellence is difficult”

Looking forward to hearing from you!

Do I Need A Life Coach?

One of the most common questions I receive as a Professional Life Coach - How do I know this is for me? In my humble opinion, I believe everyone can use a little coaching at some point(s) in their life. Truthfully, it all boils down to what you would like to accomplish.

As many of you may already know, therapy is a process that must be done with a mental health professional to diagnose and treat mental health disorders, address traumas and unwanted behaviors - focusing more on the past and present - the “why” to develop insight and heal from those invisible scars we tend to sustain throughout life.

Coaching on the other hand may use some of the same techniques as a therapist, with a different focus. While still acknowledging the trauma and all that got us to this point, coaching focuses on the present and strategies to develop a future of our choosing - the “how”.

If you:

Know what you are capable of, but can’t seem to stop dragging your feet.

Know the goals you want to achieve but need help to organize a strategy towards success.

Seem to hit a “wall” or “ceiling” right when you get everything you want.

Want to improve your career performance.

Need help with strengthening interpersonal relationships and communication skills.

Are low on motivation, struggle to stay disciplined, and need a little more accountability towards the commitments you make to yourself.

Just want to learn how to “get out of your own way”

Give me a call.

As a professional coach with his own coach, I can assure you that I have also experienced each and every one of the items above, and there is no shame in asking for help. It’s normal to know where you want to go, but not know how to get there. It’s normal to hit a ceiling every time you strive to achieve your goals. The only thing to remember, is that that ceiling is always made of paper.

Looking forward to hearing from you!